I work overnights. That’s usually when the Really Fun questions come in. But this one actually got me right in the feelings.
I get a call from a male nurse at another hospital in my city. He tells me he was transferred from their core lab to ours because they didn’t know how to help him.
Me: Okay, what’s the test?
Him: [insert absurdly long test name here]
Me: Oh! That’s a special coagulation test.
There’s a pause.
Him: Okay… I’m gonna be honest with you. This is my first day on the job by myself. I don’t know what I’m doing. No one warned me about this.
(voice cracking, absolutely on the edge)
Me: Hey—don’t worry. I got you. You just need to collect four light blue tops.
Him: All four?
Me: Yes. There might be three labels, there might be five. However many labels fart out of the printer—that’s how many tubes you collect.
Another pause. You can hear him breathing again.
Him: Okay… okay. What do I do next?
Me: Label the samples and send them down to core lab. We’ll handle the rest.
Him: I really need all four?
Me: Yes—because reasons, science, and the coag gods demand it.
Him: much calmer now Okay… okay… okay. I think I’ve got this.
Me: I know you’ve got this. And if you ever have questions, we’ve got a lab test guide on the website—or you can always call us. Sometimes you’ll get someone crunchy, sometimes you’ll get someone nice. But we’d rather you call and do it right than poke your patient again.
Him: Okay. Thank you.
Me: You’ve got this.
Him: I’ve got this.
Me: You’ve got this.
Him: I do got this!
Me: I can’t wait until you get a cryoglobulin.
Him:
(long silence)
…
panic voice WHAT’S THAT?!
Me: You get to call us for a thermos.
Him:
(another silence)
…
Oh. I’m not ready for this…
Me: (holding in laughter) You’ve got this. Say it. You’ve got this.
Him: (a broken shell of a man) I’ve got this…
Me: Call back anytime.
Him: Okay… bye.
Submitted by:
Heidi Perez
Medical Laboratory Technician
New Mexico, USA
